It’s better to have loved and lost…especially when you were the only one loving.
People want to get over a crush for different reasons: the crush has got someone else, they’re not nice to you, they’re not a good person, they don’t like you that way or at all…
This morning, a friend of mine just came to the conclusion that a guy she’s been crushing does not like her back. At this point, we’re both starting the morning on a bit of a downer. So now’s the time to initiate Plan G: Get Over Him and Move On.
It’s one of those things in the “easier said than done” category. So I’ve come up with some ideas as to how to move from unrequited love to “I’m sorry. What’s your name, love?”
I’ve heard some ways to get over a crush from other people, and I think they’re all rubbish! Stuff like, “hang around them and you’ll see their negative qualities,” or “make a list of pros and cons….” I would never take that advice. It may sound “logical,” but I think it’s trash when dealing with real people and real emotional attachments.
So here’s some things that normal people can do and that may actually help.
1) Write him/her a goodbye letter or poem. You’ve probably been thinking about your crush everyday for some time now. But now you have to exorcise that person from your thoughts once and for all. One way to do this is to put your final feelings on paper for some closure. Yes, you may see this person again in your day-to-day, but your mild obsession is at an end.
If you need to be reminded of that end every now and then, you can go back to the physical proof of the mental break up. Read it again, and regain your resolve to lay those amorous thoughts down to their eternal sleep. Clean break. Fresh start.
2) Get away from the unrequited. It’s best to create some distance between you and the ex-crush. Physical distance must be established. Two weeks is the least amount of time to stay gone, but longer is better — a month even. Take a vacation. Why not?
This time is not for them to notice that you are missing. This time is for you to gain some perspective. You can live and have fun without pining over this person night and day. People don’t say, “out of sight; out of mind” for no reason. It works. Don’t see them, call them, text them, ask about them, check their Facebook status or their Twitter feed… nothing. This is a purge. You need to get away from the unrequited and get them out of your system. Seriously.
However, if you have no choice but to be around this person, then speak to them as little as possible. Still keep as much physical distance as you can. Don’t be around them if you don’t have to be. Even if they engage you, don’t maintain long conversations with them. Tell them that you are contagiously sick and they should keep away from you. That will help. I know you’ve gotten used to the pain of being so close to the one you can’t touch, but you have to snap out of the temptation to torture yourself. Once you get away, it’ll be easier to stay away.
3) Accept the truth and don’t do anything you’ll regret. By that, I mean, “stay away from your ex-crush!” If you get angry or sad, try these suggestions on how to reduce stress. But I do not recommend expressing your feelings to the unrequited. You’ve already said goodbye in #1. Don’t regress. You don’t want them to see you upset over them, so again: “stay away!”
The truth is that you deserve better. Did you get that? You DESERVE better. And there is better out there for you. Everyday, I see people booed-up together everywhere I go. That means, it’s possible to find someone who will like you back.
You’ll regret wasting any more time longing for someone who doesn’t see your value. You’ll regret not seeing yourself for the treasure that you are. You may be a diamond in the rough, but you’re still a diamond. So let’s cut through all the crap. Stop lying to yourself. The truth is, this unrequited love is really just “un-love.” So let it go, like the vapor it is.
I know it may sound harsh, but there’s no such thing as “star-crossed” love. We’re not in a Shakespearean play. And even if we were… do you really want to be either Romeo or Juliet? That story only ends one way. I repeat: you deserve better and you can get better. Accept it as truth.
4) Occupy your time with something new. Get a hobby. Start a new job. Join a club or a gym. You need to occupy your time and mental ability with new challenges. This is not the time to get someone new (that will only cause more problems at the moment). Just find out more about the weekend classes at the Pottery Barn downtown, dance lessons at the nearest studio, or take up martial arts training. Start working crossword puzzles, Sudoku, or word finds in your spare time. Not only will this make you more interesting and give you more character, you’ll have something else to think about instead of the ex-crush.
This step is otherwise known as “getting a life,” and if you can’t do anything else, you most definitely have to do this: get a life…outside of the unrequited. That’s what all of this is for. Who knows? You might finally meet the right person for you. But give it some time. You’ve got to get over the other before you start another.
5) Tell a friend. You need someone to hold you accountable. Chances are, your friend is already on board for you to move on. So whenever you feel weak, phone up someone you trust and get them to talk you back down to reality. You need your feet on the ground if you’re ever going to enjoy the benefit of mutual affection.
NOTE: It’s okay to remember the good times with your ex-crush (if you have some in your memory), but just recognize that those times are in the past. It’s like when you opened your presents last Christmas: a great time, but over and done with. There will be another Christmas with new presents to open. Don’t cling to the old presents if they’re broken and worn and causing you pain. Throw them out to make room for the new.
***This has been a public service announcement from your friendly, neighborhood writer***
Take heed, and learn to love yourself first, before trying to love another. I know you can do it!
Until next week,
Live, Love, Learn.
~TNJ
writermeetsworld 
These are all great pieces of advice and from past experiences are the best ways to not only get over a crush, but to get stronger with it.
learned it, thank you
Thank you so much . . . this so helped me figure out that I do not NEED this guy, and if he doesn’t need me he’s not the right one. 🙂 i’m good now
what if i am a guy and i cant get this over from the girl whom i loved ; even she loved me .. but not now 😦
Rather than unrequited love, it always tougher when genuine love is now gone. 😦 But whether you’re a guy or a gal, you still have a heart and a need to heal. It may take longer than you want it to, but I think these suggestions can still help (especially #2 and #5). You need a support system who will encourage you, and I’ve found that a clean break (at least initially) is the best way to cauterize the wound. …Someone loves you more; you just have yet to find each other. Keep hope alive. :]
that’s awesome!!
Ughhhh, it’s so hard getting over a crush. There’s a guy I’ve liked for over a year now & I can’t help but think about him everyday. There was a point where the last time I saw him was a week or so after my birthday last year, & I hadn’t seen him for seven months. I was so glad when I had finally seen him again last month because it felt like I hadn’t seen him in an eternity. That night I saw him, it was like I was filled with ecstasy. That night was the most genuinely happy I had been in a long time. Now, I’m sinking back into that emotional pain and heartache. He still messages me over FB once in a while, but I just need to let go. 😦
ohh .. am really goin thru a hard tym ryt now too . .. cant really stop thnking of that girl
Hi, guy here.
I’m getting over a crush and it’s really tough. It snuck in about ten days ago with a customer of mine and bang she was always, always on my mind. I became a wishy washy wet blanket, and couldn’t stand myself.
I commented that she had lost a lot of weight (amongst others things) from the stress of the project, and ran that by my daughter who said it was extremely rude. So I was deeper in my hole.
4am I came up with the brilliant idea to write her a letter, apologising, and explaining to her what for, and telling her that in my eyes it all couldn’t be further from the truth, she was warm, strong, perfect, and offered to pass on the details of my competetor. (Very hard thing to do) Whilst the letter was in transit (damn you Aus post) she continued to send me nicely worded texts.
Then the letter arrived. And I got a kind response, she honesty does not mind me, and thank you and goodbye. And that was it 😦 , what I wanted- cold turkey.
I don’t think we are very different when it comes to this, I learnt through doctor google that women are really beautiful creatures..
5 days since the letter and counting.
Her best friend did call me back to do a service on the studio, (whilst she was not there) I kept cheerful, polite and then left.
And that was it, the end of the job.
Hard hard hard but I have no regrets saying what I did and the anticipated outcome.
Oh, and thank you for your post, I have probably ticked most of your boxes ( provided you literally meant the letter to be posted in #1)
Anyway it was all done before I read this.
Good advise I thought.
Help me i need to get over my crush fast and i dont want to write the letter or tell him i like him
You don’t have to tell your crush you like him at all! Also, the letter is not for this purpose. It’s so that you can have a concrete, tangible, mental “break-up” of sorts. This is the beginning of the end. And we all know, thanks to Semisonic’s “Closing Time,” “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” We want a new beginning.
I’m sure you could do this with a poem or even a simple sentence on paper or record your voice telling yourself that there’s nothing between you and your unrequited, therefore, it’s over. I even wrote a song called “Song to Remind Me” that I’m not with that person and it’s never going to happen. It’s about closure, so that you can move on.
That said, I can’t promise a quick fix. People say “Time heals” because it’s true. We’re not super mutant Wolverines who heal like magic in seconds. We’re regular human beings. Healing from hurt takes time. So, though it sucks, you can expect the aftershocks of rejection to keep rumbling by every now and then. The dull pain may linger for a while. But the good news is that bones will reset, open wounds will close, and pain won’t last. You will be able to move on, God-willing, to something/someone who finally realizes your true worth!
Sorry TN, I don’t want to be a sudden pest,
but Im happy to give my two cents worth to anon.
Just keep busy, go running, listen to music (a lot), watch chick flicks, find a close friend to drone on about it and stay away from your crush.
What ever I did, I never ever internet stalked!! I just did not want to be that guy with a secret thing whilst talking to her.
My take on having a crush is that some chemical is overproduced and it literally makes you love sick- I just had to bide my time and let it drain away. Every day it got easier (but at least she knew- which expels all the what ifs).
Every situation, relationship is different, so what worked for me might not work for you.
Eventually you will notice “hey, theres someone new looking at me” 🙂
Hey there.
I´m in this situation that I like a girl that I work with at the same place. It all started when she was texting me on FB, and before I even knew what happend it turned out we both liked each other that way.
Great huh? well only problem was that she already had a BF, that she also liked. And now the both good and bad stuff happend. Some stuff happend with me and her, that was one of the best things that happend in my life, and at some point I actually thought she was going to come to me in the end.
She said she had to decide if she wanted me or her BF, and now 2 months has passed and she stayed with him. Now I am in this situation where I can´t get over her. I like her so much and everyday is a pain.
I´m doing what ever I can to get over her, but I guess the only thing that will help me with this, is when I find another one, but when that happens who knows. Anyway, I just wanted to say that out of my system. I know that there are other people that has it much harder than me but I just feel so empty, lost and alone :/.
Take care.
/ Niko
Hi Niko,
One thing I can tell you definitively: you are NOT alone. Read through the comments; other people can commiserate. Just remember, getting another crush cannot be the solution to the hurt you feel. If you put that burden on another person, you might end up causing them pain too. You don’t want to become an intimacy bomber!
If it comes down to two things that will help, those things are distance and time. A third help would be friends/support. If it’s not meant to be, you can and you will move on from your unrequited. Just let go, learn, and live. You can do it! ^_^
~TNJ
i have a stupid crush for almost 2 yrs. he said 2 his friends that he likes me..he always made me laugh..i expect dat he will court me..but im wrong..he have now a gf..his prettier than mine..i want to stop liking him..but i cant do becoz we are classmate..i see him everyday..how can get over him..pls help..
An illustration…
The woman walking by is more attractive than the one slouching in the corner. The woman on the move has appointments and a life ahead of her. You wonder, “Where’s she headed? Hey, wait a minute, Miss…” You have to catch up to her and grab her attention before she passes by. And if she passes by, that’s fine with her, because she’s got somewhere to be and things to do when she gets there. She doesn’t mind a companion, but she doesn’t always need one.
But you can always get back to the woman in the corner. She’s not going anywhere, so there’s no urgency to get her attention. You can come back later and she’ll still be there, whether you join her or not. I hope this illustration is helpful in showing you that you can choose to be either woman. My preference is to be the woman on the move.
Two years is a long time in unrequited-ville. If your crush said to his friends that he likes you, but hasn’t made any significant advances toward you, and also has a girlfriend, the evidence is saying that he doesn’t like you enough. And that’s the same as not liking you at all, considering your feelings. With the situation being such, you can’t hold onto hope that he might come around, if it’s causing you so much pain and distress.
As discussed in tip #2, you need to try to establish as much physical distance as possible, even if you see him everyday. Classmates aren’t roommates. You see plenty of classmates everyday, but you aren’t close to all of them. Establish conversational boundaries (time limits) and distance. The less you interact, the less pain you’ll feel over time.
I don’t know what will happen in the future. But as long as you’re waiting for the future to happen, you’re destined to miss out on today. Don’t put your heart in a holding pattern, you’ll run out of gas. You’ve got to keep flying forward. You can do it! 🙂
~TNJ
hi all,
I met someone 10 months ago. When I met him I knew he was so special. We had a lot of fun and started hanging out together. We laughed a lot brought out the best in each other. I was on cloud 9 when I was with him. Seriously he was the best thing that ever happened to me but he didn’t seem to share my feelings at least at the beginning. I mean that he was not that romantic with me he kept it at a friendly level. However, I decided to talk to him about my feelings in September because I couldn’t stand it anymore. At first he told me that he didn’t realize that I had a crush on him and that he didn’t want to get emotionally involved with me. Then he started flirting with me, calling me and texting me all the time complimenting me etc. NO we didn’t have sex. Then we arranged to go on a trip for 14 days. Everyone thought that we were together but this was not the case. There were times during the trip that he was rude to me and treated me not as well as he should have. We had good times too though. While we were together I felt that he was not in love with me because I could see all the couples around me and how the guys treated their girlfriends. I felt really awful. When we returned back he was hostile towards me at the beginning and then suggested going to another trip because he had a great time with me. I was shocked and decided to talk to him again about my feelings. His answer was that nothing has changed in his sentimental life since September and that he wishes things were otherwise. I was at a loss for words.After some days he called me and texted me to check up on me. He seemed to care. Then some days ago it was my birthday. He came to my party and was looking at his watch so that he was the first one to wish me when the new day came. That was the last time he communicated with me.He didn’t come with me to the after party nor at the coffee I arranged the next day. He knew I was sick and told me get well soon but I’m not going to come near you because I don’t want to get sick. I know that I deserve better but I keep thinking about him all day. Why doesn’t he care? We were supposed to be friends too. I am so really sorry. I am devastated. Help. I don’t know what to do.
Harboring unrequited emotions is difficult to endure, especially when, for a moment, it seems your feelings might be returned. But it’s best to take people at their word in these matters. If he says he’s not into you, he’s not into you.
Some guys are insecure and may use women as props to feed their egos. Then again, he may have simply enjoyed your company. But, being jerked around by ambiguity when you’ve been straightforward and honest, that’s no way to live. You know you deserve better, and that’s good. Some people don’t know this. Now you’ve got to believe it and live on that belief. 🙂
Best wishes,
~ TNJ
Does it really help ? 😦 .. I need to get over my crush as easy as this. 😦
Kazumieh,
I guess making a list does make things sound easier to do. Maybe that’s why I like lists so much. 😛
I’d say, “yes.” I believe it does help. It’s helped me. However, no, it is not as easy as making a list. Matters of the heart always take time and effort, when you have a goal. So don’t feel down that Time is taking time to do what it does. The good thing is that Time does heal. This is a natural fact. As long as you keep moving and living life, you will eventually heal. Hurt is just a byproduct of being REAL, which is brave because it requires you be vulnerable and honest. But this is healthy cycle: we hurt, then we heal.
I know you CAN get over your crush. It will be harder than making a list and a plan, but it will happen. Just keep going. You can do it!
~TNJ
Wow. Can’t believe you are still replying so long after this was posted. I’m a guy here and have this crush on my colleague for half a year now. We sit next to each other and frequently collaborate on work matters, meaning we talk to each other almost everyday. The thing is she is a really wonderful and kind spirited woman. She is also very popular with the guys at work and it always seem she gets all their attention, which really kills me inside. I really want to let her go and be myself again but I just cannot forget her and we have to interact everyday.
HI raychoo
If this woman puts down all advances and has rejected you as well, I agree that it is best to “let her go.” If you actually would like to pursue a relationship with this woman, but have just neglected to make a move due to insecurity, that’s a different story. However, I’m going to assume you feel it would be inappropriate to pursue a relationship with this woman at your workplace and have just decided to get over her of your own accord.
Make a conscious effort to spend less time with the unrequited. It’s really important, because proximity is one of the biggest motivators when it comes to relationships of all kinds. Unless you have assigned seating, you can choose to sit away from her. Collaborating on work matters may be unavoidable, if she is the only one who can help you. But I’m guessing there are other colleagues with the ability to aid your projects. Seek out those individuals. And if, by some unique fluke of your specific job function, you absolutely cannot avoid working with her constantly, make it about WORK ONLY. Seriously, keep it simple, to the point, and business-oriented. Don’t fall off track by making anything personal.
This woman may notice that your behavior is different (if you’re doing it right, she will). If she asks you what’s wrong, BE HONEST. Tell her that you value her as a work colleague and don’t want to ruin your work relationship by continuing to develop extra-friendly feelings toward her. You’d like to keep things business-oriented. If she does not like you in the same way, and is as you described, she will understand and help you by making an effort to stay away from you too and avoid personal subjects and situations. You will feel sad about this, because deep inside, you hoped that she would confess her love for you and the both of you would frolic into the sunset. If that does happen, great! If not, know that you’ve made the right choice. Keep on keeping on.
Also, finding other things to occupy your time is an important step. As my mother says, “the mind is a terrible thing.” So guard it from thoughts that would compromise your decisions. Eventually, your feelings will subside. Maybe you’ll even meet someone new while you’re exploring new things outside the office.
In the end, realize that you can appreciate a woman, for her character, her intelligence, even for her appearance. However, that doesn’t mean that you have to be with her romantically, if that’s not an option. There are plenty of awesome women out there. You’ve only to expand your horizons and keep on living.
Good luck out there!
~TNJ
Ok so I REALLY like this guy but I know he doesn’t feel the same for me. It’s a little to ovbious I like him because our friends have already figured it out. It just kinda irritates me how he will act “interested” in me giving me false hope. I see his everyday.. & I do my best to stay away from him but we have mutual friends. As you can tell it is hard to aviod him. He’s such a tease but an alright guy at heart. I just can’t seem to be able to completly “let go” no matter how many mental “break up” letters/lists neg. traits he has that I write. HELP. I refuse to tell him (though it’s not a mystery) I like him because of his lack of emotional attachment toward anything. As far as I can tell he’s messing with my head for personal enjoyment, but I’M letting him. How can I stop this?
Hello Unknown person (I’m assuming you’re a female),
From the little information you’ve written, it does sound like you’re being “played with.” Most males like female attention, even if they have no intention of reciprocating.
And at some point you have to get fed up with it. It doesn’t matter how “alright” you think he is at heart. Playing with someone’s emotions is not alright. Until you realize that he’s being selfish and cold to your feelings, it really won’t matter what you write on a piece of paper. You have to separate yourself from him in your heart before you can write that it’s over and MEAN IT.
Also, you may share friends, but if you’re hanging out together in a group, you don’t have to be near him or engage him a lot. And it’s very important to let a good friend be your support in this. They won’t let you make a fool of yourself and they’ll act as a barrier between you two. Even if your friend has to be the one to confront the guy (I’ve had a friend do that for me, without me asking, and I didn’t like it, but it was the right thing for her to do — I realize this only recently), the truth has to come out sooner or later. Hopefully, when the air is clear, the situation will become clearer too.
Other than this, if you really do “REALLY like this guy,” just speak up and take the rejection or the opportunity (should it present itself). I fully believe in controlling one’s self, when it’s the best course of action, but sometimes you just have to tell people how you feel. Honesty, truthfulness, and candor are positive character traits. And more than that, you can’t continue to live afraid of rejection. My thought is that you don’t WANT to be over this guy. Maybe you’re just afraid to find out if your feelings are one-sided. Maybe they are, but it’s worth it to know. If you refuse to step up while also refusing to step aside, then he’s not the one giving you false hope; you’re doing that to yourself.
He likes you or he doesn’t; tell him your feelings or don’t. He can’t have it both ways and neither can you. Something’s got to give.
Good luck either way you choose to go!
~TNJ
I’ve been reading your post again. haha. I’m back unexpectedly.